Learning to Fight for My Mental Health

To say things have been difficult lately would be an understatement. My own mental health and self-care have taken an extraordinary hit due to multiple factors. With the combination of schedule changes, severe storms & increased heat of weather, the usual monetary struggles, pressure from outside sources, and more, I went from thriving to barely surviving. That said, I hope things are on the mend.

I noticed my depression creeping in and slowly, yet surely, worsening over a week. My husband, the fixer that he is, and my rock, tried so much to get me out of it. Unfortunately, it had a strong hold on me, and even his strongest go-tos did not work. Whether it was salty snacks, sweet treats, peace & quiet, or socializing with close friends, this monster of a dip had claws, and they were in me deep. I didn't even have the energy or drive to delve into my usual self-care comforts like reading or a nice soak in the bath.

After about a week, my depression turned from blue (generalised depression/sadness) to red (anger) due to an event. I practically raged for two days before it ran out of my system and returned to the standard blue. That change ended up being the turning point for me. I slowly started to recover and become myself again. I was reading. I was interacting. I was smiling and laughing again. I went from being myself to being a numb shell with no thought, need, or want for two weeks, and then back to "normal".

Recently, I started thinking. About how much worse it would be if it were 6 years ago or more. I've been on depression and anxiety medication since I was a late teen/young adult due to trauma. Back then, I was still on the standard generic antidepressants and still learning who I was and how to handle myself when it came to these strong and erratic swings in mood. I was not equipped with the knowledge of how I was supposed to be feeling, especially since my traumatic experiences started as young as 13 years old. And honestly, some days it still feels like I'm not.

I remember taking the evaluations, being told I had the most severe depression and anxiety my primary care provider had seen, and constantly going back to get reevaluated and adjusting medication dosages and brands due to them not being enough or side effects. I was in this constant mental turmoil over hating that I had to be on medication to be considered "normal" and how no matter what we did, it seemed like they weren't working. I struggled with this for years and felt like I was at a dead end. That I was never going to be "normal".

Outsiders would say that I didn't need the medications, that it was all in my head, that I just needed someone to talk to. I couldn't even do that. Part of my trauma involved therapy/therapists, and I had extreme distrust and anxiety of them. Others said that it would take time and that I just had to suck it up. But I was drowning trying to be "normal". Suffocating behind a mask of "happy".

It wasn't until 6 years ago that something changed, and for the better. I don't remember how it came about, whether I heard it from an outside source or if my PCP recommended it, but I did a pharmacogenetic test. The test is a genetic analysis that reveals how your unique DNA affects your body's response to medications. By identifying specific gene variants, doctors can safely select the most effective drugs and optimal dosages for you, drastically reducing the risk of adverse side effects and trial-and-error prescribing. When I say it was a game-changer, I mean it.

I went from struggling to surviving. And then from surviving to thriving! I was put on the best medication recommended for me, and over time, my evaluations showed my levels of depression and anxiety as normal. My husband noticed the difference, my mother noticed the difference, and I was able to tell the difference in myself as well. I no longer felt like I was drowning or having to put a mask on. I felt "normal", happy.

Do I still experience lows or spikes? Obviously, but they are rare now. And I do have the occasional mishap of forgetting to take my medication, where my husband can practically tell the difference immediately in the following 24 hours. But it shows how effective the medication is for me and how much I truly need it.

Not everyone is the same. Nor is every depression or anxiety diagnosis. But if you feel you are struggling, advocate for yourself, no matter how scary it may seem. Ask for the PGx test; there may be something preventing your current medication from working or a better option available. I wish I had known about it sooner, so I wouldn't have suffered. And know that you are never alone, no matter what path your mental health (or health in general) may be on. ❤️️